


Torture yourself by asking why

by Rain_wander



Series: Forget to Remember [3]
Category: DCU, Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesiac Tara, Dealing with the loss of a loved one, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27704314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rain_wander/pseuds/Rain_wander
Summary: Tara is starting to get annoyed with how differently Raven and Beast Boy have been treating her. Little does she know she's about get a bit of context.
Relationships: Raven/Tara Markov, Tara Markov & Raven
Series: Forget to Remember [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023040
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Torture yourself by asking why

The Titans had been going through the motions of training Tara in controlling her powers, mostly through the usual drills and exercises, but today was going to be different. 

Tara had finished her morning routine and Robin suggested she clean up and head out to the garden for a special exercise that would apparently help her gain a deeper understanding of her powers. This made Tara raise an eyebrow in confusion, it sounded a little...well it sounded like bullshit to her but the Titans had been better to her than they had any real reason to be and so Tara decided to go along with it. Who knows, maybe whatever weirdness they had cooked up would actually help her with her powers. 

A little suspicious, Tara made her way out of the tower into the land surrounding it. For a small island, Tara was always impressed at how much the Titans had managed to fit on it. Aside from the massive tower, there was the optical course, a large generally worn down open field sort of area, a beach that was sand all along the far south of the island then became a rocky one as it ran up along the east coast, and between the north beach and the tower, there was what Tara called a mini forest and Starfire’s garden. 

That was where she figured Robin wanted her to go so she did but hell if she knew why or what to even look for. That is until she smelled something warm, and spicy? It reminded Tara of Christmas for some reason she couldn’t really place but she followed it to a clearing in the trees and brush where she found Raven, floating legs crossed and with a small simple incense holder burning. Of course.

Since her arrival and the tower things had been a little weird and awkward, but more so around Beast Boy and Raven. Tara wasn’t sure what their deal was but she was pretty done trying to be nice when either of them was being weird or rude to her by this point so she was hoping that whatever all this was, wasn’t going to be another awkward song and dance.

“Uhh...Robin sent me?” Tara broke the silence as she approached Raven.  
“I know.” Raven’s tone was flat, yet held an underlying tightness to it. As if she were slightly annoyed or frustrated and was trying to hide it. Tara rolled her eyes, nothing new really.

“So…???”  
“Sit down across from me.” Raven didn’t command, or ask. It was more like a bland statement. 

Tara sighed and did so, crossing her legs under her and letting the soft grass fold against the bare skin on her legs. It was warm and she was in shorts and a tank top.

Raven opened her eyes and rested her hands on top of her knees, and sighed. Tara noticed a bit of the tension leave her and grew confused. She couldn’t make eye contact.

“Before we start I wanted to talk,” Raven stated and Tara shrugged.  
“So talk,” Tara replied as she leaned back on her hands, Raven tried not to get annoyed.  
Raven sighed again and the change in the atmosphere didn’t go unnoticed by Tara. Before, being around Raven had felt tense and awkward in a way similar to being around someone you had a huge fight with only you don’t remember the fight at all or ever even upsetting them. But now it felt like being around someone with old wounds. Like meeting someone who lost a loved one years ago and was still mourning them. Like Raven had an old open wound that was taking far too long to get noticeably better. 

Suddenly Tara didn’t feel annoyed with her anymore.

“I still can’t really talk about it. I’m not even sure if the others can but we all handle things differently. But I haven’t been fair to you so I wanted to apologize and…” Raven took another breath. Her tone was still flat, but there was a softness to the edges of her voice that made her seem less like a powerful superhero and more like a 17-year-old girl with something painful to share.

“...And attempt to give you some context. I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’m not easy to get close to.” Tara nodded, sitting up and paying more attention now but she didn’t speak, worried that her voice might somehow make Raven clam up again.

“So when I let someone get close...It’s a big deal. And you’re aware of our absent 6th member…?” 

Tara wasn’t sure if it was a question but she nodded anyway. Raven’s hands closed into fists and Tara resisted the urge to hold them, just to offer some sort of support. Obviously whatever had happened with this missing girl was big.

“...She got close to me, to all of us. I think Beast boy might have even had a crush on her and...well...things went bad. And it’s not your fault.” 

Tara swore Raven’s voice trembled when she said “It’s not your fault.” and for some reason hearing those words made something dark and ugly eat away at her gut for a moment.

“But you’re so much like her. You look and sound identical. Even your powers are similar…” Raven finished and a long almost painful silence stretched between them. 

So that’s what it was. Obviously, this wasn’t the full picture and from how hard it seemed to be for Raven to even tell her that much Tara wasn’t about to push for more. This was enough for now, it made the way everyone acted around her make so much more sense. Here she was basically living at the tower and they were being nice enough to let her stay and help her all while she basically reminded them of some big painful thing. Tara sighed, what do you even say to someone in this scenario? Sorry I remind you of someone you lost or who hurt you in some way? That sounded cheap in her head and she bet it would sound even shittier out loud.

“I won’t try to make you or any of the other Titans tell me more than you're comfortable with but I am glad you told me that much. It helps make sense of a lot of things. It seems like you and Beast Boy especially were having a lot of trouble around me so I don’t need to know more to come up with a few good ideas about what this person meant to you. I’m sorry for your loss.” Tara tried to be cordial but something about this seemed...off. Like she should be actually apologizing for something but she couldn’t figure out what or why.

“Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve been treated unfairly. I’ll do what I can to try and approach you with less…”  
“...Baggage?”  
“...yes.”

Why did she want to apologize so badly??

“So, is that what I was supposed to come here to meet you for?” Tara asked, a weird tiny twisting in her gut forming.

“No. I’m going to teach you how to meditate so that you can find the part of yourself that is your powers and learn to understand them and how they’re part of you.” Raven offered, her voice back to normal now but her body still seeming tense.

If she felt like she needed to apologize so badly, why? She hadn’t done anything.

“Alright. That sounds pretty helpful. Let’s give it a try.” She offered a small smile, but it never reached her eyes, if Raven noticed she didn’t say anything.

She processed to guide Tara on the basics of meditation and even attempted to guide her. Tara did her best but even with as much instruction and gentle guidance, Raven was giving she couldn’t seem to really clear her mind. That nagging question sticking in the very corners like a stubborn spider. Why?...

Raven explained she had done well for her first try at meditation, Tara figured she was trying to be nice and they called it quits after a few hours. 

For the rest of the day Tara couldn’t stop thinking about wanting to apologize, and not being able to. It was so stupid. Why did she feel such a strong need too? Why wouldn’t the urge go away and why was it so strong around Raven and Beastboy specifically? Why did it make her stomach feel so gross? Why?


End file.
